Pin

If you have a child being bullied, our hope is that you find some help here. It can be challenging to know how much or how little to get involved when our kids get bullied.

I cannot say whether bullying is any better or worse than what it may have been back when I was a kid; but it does seem to get talked about more now and that is a good thing. There is definitely more awareness than I feel there was in the past.

No matter. If you have a child being bullied, there are things you can do; and remember everything gets better in time. I went through it and came out the other side, and so can your kids.

This is my story I am sharing as an adult now, along with some tips and advice I also want to share with parents. Additionally, we give some pointers that you can share with your kids that might help them as well. The goal is to hopefully make things better for any kid getting bullied.

My Stories

I share my stories to give you some idea of the diversity of places and groups your child may find themselves being bullied. If your kids get bullied, I hope this gives you at least a glimpse into what it might be like for them.

I am not implying these particular circumstances or groups automatically mean that it is a foregone conclusion your children will also get bullied at the same points or within the same groups. These are just a part of my story.

Care Provider

One of the earliest recollections I have of being picked on was of one of the sons of my care provider, who was much older than me or any of the other kids they looked after at the time. Somehow he saw fit to give me a hard time once in a while. Something I did or said? Who knows? Either way, I do not remember at this point; but I do remember him making me feel terrible from time to time. It did not help that he was so much older giving a younger kid, like me, such a hard time.

Scouts

I started Scouting when my parents got me involved with the Cub Scouts. I cannot remember how old I was; but I do remember the location where we met and a few of the other boys that were a part of our group.

The older brother of one of the boys in our pack picking on me is another early recollection I have of being bullied. I do not remember anything he said or did; but I do remember him giving me a hard time on a regular basis.

Later, when I made it into the Boy Scouts, I was faced yet again with more bullying. This time from an entirely different individual. Even though we were all in Scouts together, for some reason, some of the guys took to giving me a hard time regularly when they had the opportunity (They probably did it to others too.). There was a lot of name calling going on for sure.

7th Grade

When I got into the 7th grade, things got amped up a bit. I was punched in the arms in the boy’s bathroom on occasion for whatever reason, likely some perceived gauntlet it was deemed I needed to get through or some such nonsense. Perhaps it was considered some initiation, but to what I have no idea. I once got gouged in the ribs by a pregnant 8th grader because apparently she felt I was taking too long to get water from the fountain in the hallway one day.

While I knew it was not a good thing and I dreaded being at school some days, I took it as just a normal day in the life of a kid in middle school; and figured if I were lucky, it would all pass one day. And, it did.

By the time I got into 8th grade, I never was bullied again, at least not as I had been up to that point. I think a large part of it was due to the fact that I finally started making friends that I was usually hanging out with.

Why Me?

The short? If I had to guess, it was likely a combination of my appearance and/or my personality.

I wore glasses, was skinny as a rail, regularly wore jeans in various colors, including maroon and dark green, etc., and wore a brand of tennis shoes that was not exactly popular back then. Couple my looks and style with the fact that I did not have a lot of friends and mostly kept to myself; and this was likely the recipe for attracting those that wanted to pick on the seemingly weaker, stranger, or more timid kids.

Even as I got older I was still socially awkward and a bit of an introvert; and aside from the guys I knew from Scouts or school, I really did not have a lot of friends.

I suppose that any of these could have painted me as a target. In the end, it was probably my overall appearance of weakness or awkwardness that made me attractive for bullying. It could have been my perceived demeanor of being ‘wimpy’ or me trying to be nice and get along with everyone that did me in. Kids can be cruel.

Did I deserve any of it? Absolutely not. Was it about me? No. I may have been made out as an easy target; but another person choosing to act towards me in a less than acceptable or disrespectful manner had nothing to do with me other than I likely allowed it.

Why Did I Not Seek Help?

Fair question. Looking back, I think it was two-fold. One, I did not want to make things worse for myself. I thought if I ratted someone out, it would come back on me and things might get worse. And two, perhaps the few friends I had would not have believed me or perceived me as being even weaker. Part of me just thought that what I was experiencing was just part of life; and I would get through it. I know now that I should have looked for help or at least brought it to the attention of my parents or other adults so it could have been mitigated better.

Things You Can Do to Help Your Kids

• Be proactive about inquiring about your children’s days and general experiences regularly. Do not be passive. Ask open-ended questions to potentially uncover as much as possible and do so regularly. As your kids answer your questions, ask for even more specifics in order to get even more details.
• Regularly check in with your kids to see how they are doing and what experiences, positive or negative, they may be going through. Communicating with your kids is not a one-and-done initiative.
• Teach your kids to be more confident or at least present themselves as such. Teach them to carry themselves with more confidence and speak with confidence. Those that carry themselves more confidently tend to be singled out less as victims.
• Consider talking directly to the parents of those kids doing the bullying if possible. This can curb a lot of misbehavior, assuming those parents are good parents and actively engage in their kids’ lives and are willing to shut negative behaviors down they are made aware of. It is doubtful those parents are aware.
• Communicate with school administration about the situation at hand, especially if you do not have any positive communication with the parents of the children doing the bullying.
• Work to gauge how much your kids may need you involved. Try not to be overbearing or a “helicopter parent.” If your kids are doing OK or you think they can manage the situation on their own, give them the space to do so. Life is tough and this experience could make them better for it. Remember to give them the space they need along with the guidance you provide them.
• If your kid shows signs of getting bullied, consider getting professional mental healthcare for them, especially if they start using negative self-talk or express any interest in hurting themselves. They may not understand it all at the time; but your piece of mind and knowing for sure what may be at play is going to help. If nothing else, after you seek the help, you will be better informed to make better decisions for your children moving forward.
• Be aware of (or remember) how kids can immaturely view others based on shallow points, such as dress or overall appearance. Allow your kids to provide some guidance to you as to what is maybe more acceptable. This may go a long way in helping with the perception others have of your kids and maybe even help to build your kids’ confidence.

Things To Share With Your Kids (and Things I Might Should Have Tried)

If you know or suspect your kids may be getting bullied, here are some things to consider sharing with them that I wish I knew when it was happening to me:

Things to Try

• Stand up for yourself. Clearly, confidently, firmly, and loudly say “Stop.”
• Another option is to try and use humor as a response and work on short or witty comebacks. Humor can work when a lot of other things may not. This I know well.
• When in the bathroom, use stalls, not only to give yourself more privacy but to better stay hidden while the bullies may be in the bathroom at the same time.
• If at all possible, try changing up your routines or your paths you walk, as an example, to make it potentially more difficult for the bully to find you.
• Practice reactions and responses ahead of time so you have at least some sort of plan. Anyone with a plan ahead of time is better off than anyone without a plan.
• Carry yourself confidently in public with your head up, shoulders back, while paying attention and looking at what’s going on around you. By showing more confidence, it makes you seem like less of a target, as you present yourself as being more alert, confident, and strong. It makes you seem like less of a target when you present yourself as being more alert, confident, and strong.
• Do not be on your phone and unaware of what might be going on nearby. This rule will generally keep you safer because it will enable you to be more alert and better able to avoid potential issues.
• Consider helping anyone else that you may know is being bullied. You know how it feels. You know they would appreciate the support.
• Find interests and hobbies to stay busy and distracted. Hobbies are a good way to uncover things you are good at or that you can possibly help others with.

Get Help

• Report incidents to school staff and/or parents.
• Stay with or around your friends. Friends can be a big help even if they do not realize it. Bullies enjoy separating out their victims as no bully wants to be seen or caught doing what it is they do.

What Not to Do

• Do not get upset. Try to show no emotion, even when you are scared or upset. Do not let them see that they may be getting the best of you. If they know they can get you worked up, it can just give them more fuel to keep doing what they are doing. Avoid that.
• When dealing with a bully in person, do not respond while upset. Cool off. Nothing ever good was said or done while mad or upset.
• Do not believe there is anything wrong with you. It is always the bully who has the issues. They only do what they do to make themselves feel better about themselves or their situation.
• Do not allow things to get physical. If you can, get help. And while it may not be popular, I am going to say that as a last resort, fight back if you need to. Do not allow physical disrespect, regardless of any institution’s policies. Always take the higher ground; but if needed, be willing to defend yourself. Some respond to and/or have respect when you show them physically that you will not take their bullying. Just know even when it could be the right thing, there are usually consequences.
• Whatever you do, do NOT hurt yourself in any way thinking it must be your fault. Again being bullied has nothing to do with you. If you are having these thoughts, seek help from your parents or school staff.
• Do not be a bully yourself, even if there is peer pressure pushing you in that direction or if you think it is going to make you feel better about your situation. You know what it feels like. Never stoop to a bully’s level. Be better than that to prevail, not just for now but in life in general.
• Remember to take screenshots of any social media posts made about you, emails, or text as evidence. 
• Do not respond to any posts or comments made online, through social media, etc. It is best to ignore it. Simply do not engage.
• Don’t carry a grudge. It is not worth it. Keeping grudges or hate towards someone only serves to tear you down in time. It accomplishes nothing.

Positives from Being Bullied

I will not write any psycho-babble here, as I am definitely not qualified; but I do have to say there are some positives that can come from being bullied.

I believe, however difficult it may be at times, that we should all try to see the good in things that happen to us in life. Life is not fair and life is not always going to treat us right or be good. It is all about keeping the right perspective and knowing bad things will pass and get better again. They always do. Life is about staying strong and moving forward while doing the right things.

Not Everything Bad is All Bad

Bullying might actually be a kind of right of passage. Bullying may help them develop thicker skin. Going through it may teach them how to carry themselves more confidently, as well as when and how to stand up for themselves. These are valuable life lessons that, even though they may not be understood or appreciated at the time, will serve our children well in time. There are going to be bullies in life; and after being bullied, your kids may likely be better prepared to handle them.

An Apology

Years later, when we were grown up, I wound up reconnecting with the individual who had bullied me in the Cub Scouts. It was at that time that he apologized for bullying me all those years before. What are the chances? While so much time and water had passed under the bridge by then, I still appreciated him apologizing.

It felt like so much of life had gone by at that point that the bullying really did not matter anymore; but it did. And for this individual to remember and think enough that he needed to and wanted to apologize is what made me most appreciative.

Getting that apology was a huge positive. The positive? Some folks do wake up, realize the errors of their ways, and want to make amends.

Resources

While we have not vetted the resources provided here, we still wanted to try and pull together a few resources for you to have to refer to.

• Stop Bullying
• Supporting a Bullied Child
• How can I support my child or teen if they’re being bullied?
• Is Your Child Being Bullied? 9 Steps You Can Take as a Parent
• Helping Kids Deal With Bullies
• Effective Strategies for Parents to Recognize and Stop Bullying

Conclusion

If you have kids that are being bullied, remind them to keep their chin up, stand up for themselves, and know that it all will pass and get better again. Remind them that It has nothing to do with them and not to take any of it personally. Remind them that they will come out on the other side and likely be better for it.

If you are a parent reading this or are part of an organization or school staff, be on the lookout for those kids that might be going through a hard time. If those kids that are going through a tough time do come to you, be supportive and do not blame them. Be sure to keep regular tabs on them.

Feel free to pass the few tips we share here along to those kids that may be needing some help and guidance. It could help them get through whatever they are going through and keep them a bit safer along the way.

Share some of the actions you would recommend to parents or to those kids being bullied in the comments below.

Related Content