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What are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are key in any personal safety plan you may have, not only in setting them, but most importantly, enforcing them. What exactly are personal boundaries? Well without referencing any official definition, I describe them as guardrails or limits you establish for when dealing with interpersonal scenarios that you do not allow others to cross or violate.

Setting boundaries is easy. Example, I will not allow a stranger to get close enough to me to invade my personal space. Enforcing personal boundaries is the key piece, but can be more difficult for many. Example, a stranger approaches at a gas station; and it is apparent they are intent on getting close for whatever reason. A response, in the moment, might be… “Wait a minute. You’re close enough. What can I help you with?” or depending on the situation and what your gut is telling you, it may even need to be “Stop right there! Back up, m*ther f*cker! Don’t come any closer!” (Remember: The other person’s feelings are not the priority. Your safety and comfort level is.)

The Tale

A couple of weeks ago, Denis and I went to lunch. We opted for this little, hole-in-the-wall Italian place nearby that is really good.

Our waitress, whose name I will change for her privacy, was super nice and had just graduated from high school. I will call her “Stacey;” and Stacey was just 19 years old.

Denis and I both had been chatting with her every time she came to our table. If you know Denis and I, you know that in addition to the regular chit-chat we will start, we will usually joke and cut up with whoever we may be interacting with when we are out and about. True to form, we had some fun chatting with Stacey over the course of our lunch.

As we were finishing up, Stacey checked up on us again. At a point, Denis asked her to pull up a chair and sit down with us. If you know Denis, you know you can never guess what he is going to say or ask or when he is going to do it. I still have no idea why he asked Stacey to sit with us, as we never got to that point.

When Denis asked Stacey to sit with us, Stacey asked Denis why. Denis just asked her again to pull up a chair and sit. Of course, I watched all of this unfold in front of me, still unsure of what Denis’ game plan was.

It was clear Stacey was a little hesitant; and she expressed she was concerned about getting ‘in trouble’ on the job. She had only been there about a month at this point after quitting her last.

Denis asked again and Stacey said, “No.” That was it.

While I do not know exactly what his game plan was, I can assure you it was not for anything nefarious. Because we had talked to her a little about her family and where she was originally from, it could have been to talk more about her background. Perhaps Denis was wanting to talk more to her about her possible plans for college or what she wanted to do in the meantime, during the next year she was planning to take off before starting if she did go. Denis has a way about him and can generally engage with most anyone socially. Of course, Stacey had no way of knowing this and acted accordingly.

For whatever reason(s) she had, Stacey had just refused his request quite matter-of-factly. Why?

Maybe she was genuinely concerned about her job. Or perhaps, however unlikely it would seem, she had some uneasy feeling about Denis for whatever reason. The reason for her to have a feeling does not matter. She enforced a boundary she had for herself and said “no.”

Of course, we still continued to chat with Stacey past that point; and everything was fine. In fact…

A Proud Moment

It was in that moment that we were actually proud of Stacey even though we obviously did not know her. She not only set a boundary for herself, maybe just in that moment, but had managed to firmly enforce it with a stranger for whatever reason(s) she had.

Before we left, we both made it a point to tell Stacey how great it was that she was able to clearly enforce a boundary she had, regardless of the reason(s) she had for it.

We will never know the exact reasoning Stacey had for enforcing her boundary. The main thing is that she was not only able to set the boundary for herself; but she was able to enforce it when the time came.

Intuition

One key part to enforcing any personal boundaries you have set for yourself is being able to recognize when something is just not right. Listening to your intuition is a way to accomplish this. Sure. We may literally see something coming at us and act accordingly; but many times our intuition also tells us when something is … off.

Call it intuition, your ‘gut feeling,’ ‘the hairs standing up on the back of your neck,’ your ‘spidey-senses’ – however you refer to it.

We seem to have so many excuses as to why we do not listen to or deny our gut; or why it was not needed in a situation. The reality is we have every reason to and should listen to our intuition. Why? Because it can keep us safe.

When you do hear your gut talking to you, the key is to pay attention to what it is telling you and act. Do not spend time trying to figure out the why in the moment or reason with your intuition as it is not important and only delays your taking action. You can try to figure out the why or reason with your gut later, once you are away from the situation at hand.

If you happen to offend someone in the process of acting on what your gut tells you? Do not worry about it. People will get over it. And if the thing you thought was something turns out to be nothing? So what. But what if it was potentially a bad situation unfolding, guess what? You are safe and better off for acting.

Stacey’s Intuition

Stacey may not have even known or understood why her gut may have been telling her something at that moment. Or maybe she did know. Or maybe it really was a rational concern for her job and her intuition never even entered into the picture. Who knows? It does not matter.

What does matter is that Stacey has at least one personal boundary AND enforced it. And in this case, all she had to do was say… “No.”

Conclusion

I am sure this was not the most exciting example of enforcing personal boundaries; but it is still a story I wanted to tell. One, as an example of boundary enforcement; and two, to give kudos to those that hold firm and actually enforce any personal boundaries they may have set for themselves.

Talking about the boundaries you want to have for yourself and setting them is easy enough. When a situation arises though, enforcing and sticking to your guns can be more difficult. I can tell you though that if Stacey can do it, so can you.

If you struggle with enforcing personal boundaries, consider starting with a smaller one, like ‘not sitting down at work with strange men.’ I bet it will help you build confidence in enforcing your boundaries in the future and probably even keep you safer along the way.

There are several aspects to enforcing personal boundaries. I am sure we will be covering more in the future, so stay tuned. Oh and again … Well done, Stacey!

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